I get to see some family tomorrow and I like that.  Even if we're only to get together for a memorial service.   It's nice with new extended family there.

Need to take a break.  A reality check.  Because all I do is work these days.  Really.  It's not right.  And I feel like I'll fail if I stop.   There's got to be better ways to do this.

I need to get back on that bucket list.   Where can I find a baby pig to hold?

Remember the first phone cameras?

Zach's new iphone takes nice pictures.   And I'm kind of jealous of that.

Technology has come so far in the past decade.  The newer version of my current phone takes videos in 3D.  Not that I have a use for that, but it just has me wondering what's going to be available in another 10 years.  I hope they figure out how to transmit smells.  THAT would be useful.

Man I am so lazy this Saturday.  This is supposed to be the time when I get everything done.  But all I can seem to do is lay around reading car blogs.

I need to tame my new car fever.  I absolutely don't need a new car right now.  I might need a brake job, but NOT a new car.  Paco is fine.  He's definitely getting up there in miles, but he's paid for.  I need to..   but...  all this new technology.  The new versions of Paco have bluetooth & backup cameras & dual climate control....    And, okay okay I honestly don't need any of that crap either.  

Ugh.  I feel so ashamed when I get caught up in consumerism.  I need to go camping in the woods or something.  I need to remember to keep it real.

That sounds jerky.  All people are important.  It's just that most people... I know I'm not truly that important to them.   And so it was cool to not be bothered by them and a barage of  empty birthday greetings.  Surprisingly cool.    Narrowing down my pool of contacts from quantity to quality has been nicer than I'd expected.  Not being on facebook has been way nicer than expected.  So it goes...

This was a pretty good birthday.   Really only heard from people who are important to me and that made things feel more sincere.

I can't believe I'm 34 now.  This is the first time I've ever felt panic about my age.   It's silly.  I hope I get over that soon.  If all goes right I have plenty of time left.

Hoppy Easter

Good Friday is about the only day of the year that I have off work that Zach does not.  Usually I hang out at home with the dog.   Sometimes we go visit Zach at work.   This year I walked around the neighborhood a little and went to get falafil.  It's weird to see what the world does during the day when you're at work.  

2 years ago I took a picture pretty much exactly like this of Fannie.  My little Good Friday lamb.   I can't seem to find that picture now.  It's probably locked up in my old facebook account.  This reminds me I need to organize & back up files & pictures.  Or some day I'll regret it.

Look what I made this morning:
Horseradish & black pepper deviled eggs for the annual potluck at Dawns.   Fancy!

Also, my brother mailed me a Cadbury Egg.   Another sort of tradition...

 

The big news

 

Again, thanks Oprah.  I'm gonna need some reminding now and then, so I'm glad you're on my google home page everyday saying things like this.

I got a new job.   Well, a promotion to go do different things, but technically at the same "job" with the same company.  Some of the same people.  Lots of new people.  It feels... I can't tell you with 100% confidence how I feel about it.  I'm excited to finally be doing something new, even if it isn't my dream job.   But this could be a step to get there.  When ever I figure out what said dream job is.  This will keep me plenty busy until that day.

And I'm terrified.   New things are always scary.  Can't wait to get in and understand what the heck I'm going to be doing.  And what I even have to be afraid of.  Or not.

I never thought this day would come.

Now I have 30 days of support from my predecessor, and 60 days to cut the umbilical cord on my successor.   And keep the plates spinning in the right direction.

I have a feeling March & April are going to be a blur of nothing but work.   

But... by the time that's done, it will be time to start planting flowers on my deck.   This year I say we go back to yellow flowers.  I've missed them. This will be a year of yellow & purple impatients.  And veggie grilling on the back deck on Fridays with friends.  It will. You'll see.

I rode a horse yesterday and I braided his hair.   It's not easy.   Real horse hair is like straw.

I'm really scattered, you guys

I have to retract something I said about Drake a couple months back.  I still don't think he's a genius, but I like one of his songs. The Motto with Lil Wayne & Tyga is my jam this week.  Actually, Drake is the worst part of that song.  I don't know what the appeal is here, honestly.  Lil Wayne & Tyga are pretty funny.  But maybe it's only the fact that the backing track sounds exactly like what I would make in Reason. If someone separated it & told me "hey andrea I took this track you made six years ago and rapped over it."  I might be confused enough to believe it for a minute. It's nothing special.  It's just my personal aesthetic.  Like it's real close to my fingerprints.  The first time I heard it on 107.5 I took my hands off the steering wheel to clap like a seal.  And that's like the whitest most incorrect thing you can do in reaction to a song like that.   And it's one of those frustrating songs that half disappears if you don't listen to it on substantial speakers, because the low end is sooo low and it's key.  Trust me, on computer speakers or crappy headphones it just sounds like hand claps, so forget it.  You need to be in a car to hear it.

Ok, anyway, now that I've thoroughly confused my only 3 readers (mother, mother-in-law & sister-in-law) I'm going on vacation now.  Tomorrow I'm going to drive around an island on the wrong side of the road listening to that song.  And it's going to be weird.  And awesome.  I also downloaded some old grateful dead songs.  I'm having a midlife crisis or something.

I have some good news to report when we get back.  No, we're not having a baby.  It's not that.

It's February, but the sky is blue like September

 

 : )

living in the diaspora

I try not to get caught up in the gross obsession when celebrities die.   TMZ & the sort get a little ill with their news reports.  For example, they posted exclusive photos of the roomservice food & chicken sandwich that Whitney Houston ordered but never got around to eating.   People are sick. 

But from all the weirdo coverage I did gather that Whitney Houston had family members with her on the weekend she died.   Her daughter was staying in the hotel with her and apparently just before she passed, Whitney's aunt had come in and laid out her dress for the grammy party the next day.  Her cousin, Dionne Warwick had talked to her on the phone earlier.  And that really touched me. 

I applaud the independence in my family & extended family, but inside, I do wish I belonged to something like that.  I can't imagine having close relationships like that with family.   I can't imagine a cousin calling me on a regular basis.  Or an aunt helping me get ready for a party.  I can't imagine traveling with people who have known me all my life.  I can't imagine having those people fully ingrained in the fabric of my life.  And, if we can, suspend disbelief for a minute and imagine these people don't drive you crazy.  You enjoy their company.  They are your best friends.

Growing up, my best friend had a big family.  There were four kids in a small house, and that house was always open with even more visitors stopping by.  We never rode in cars with less than 2 people.  Every day felt a little like a party.  Yes there was chaos.  And yes it was always a little bit of a mess, but it was good and I always felt like I belonged.

These days we're very solitary.   Sometimes I want to blame the internet.   Sometimes I blame it on white people.  But I realize I did this to myself by leaving home at 18 & never moving back.  There are people who see me every day - Who I can go to for advice.  But of those people, the one who's known me longest has only known me for seven years.  It's different.

I would love to be able to stop by to see my mom or dad after work on a Tuesday.   And then leave just before dinner is ready.  I'd love to be able to drop off my dog for a day so that she could lay in the grass in their yard.   I'd love to have a weekly standing routine.  i.e. on Sunday everyone goes over to uncle Pete's for lunch & card games or something.  Like in the book Middlesex.  You stand in the kitchen & dry dishes with your sister in law.  You pick up your conversation where you left off last week.  You know how they feel about things.

I think of the family I'll start some day.   Zach suggested having just one kid in our house.  But I don't think I could do that to a child.  Especially since we still live far away from the rest of our family.  I've seen the contrast of living in a pack vs. being alone, and I feel the difference. 

If I could change one thing about my life I'd be sure I belonged to a community of some sort again.   I think I need it badly but I don't know how to get there.

Office helpers & the push toward the finish line

I worked all night Friday and all day Saturday.  Getting everything in order before vacation.  We leave Thursday morning, but I have to start the wrap up now.  My neck is stiff from leaning over the laptop, but I feel better about leaving town.  

And it's nice to have cute office mates.  Willie is in town, and he and Toni sometimes work together to keep both sides of me warm.

Sometimes when I'm working I forget that there's an island vacation coming up.  It really is easy to get used to staring at a lit up screen in a windowless office.   Adjusting to sunlight and movement and fresh air is going to be amazing and weird and mildly sad, I anticipate.  I know it's going to be hard for me to downshift, so I'm planning on scheduling my activities within the first couple days.  Ride horses, kayak river tour, etc.  Because I know from experience that I'll be miserable sitting still and not thinking at first.  I think that'll be a good tactic to ease me in to lower gears.  By day 3 I should be better able to calm down and not feel like I'm supposed to be doing something.

A burrito commercial just flooded me with emotions.  So beautiful. 



People will always eat meat.  I know this.  But there's a better way.
Sadly, the 2 and a half minutes when this commercial aired during the grammys is probably the most collective attention the issue of factory farming will ever garner.   

Also, Willie Nelson. I love him for using his celebrity to bring attention to all of his hippie causes. Remember bio Willie? I hope he lives forever and never stops trying.

And maybe some day everything will blow up and we'll start over doing everything the right way.

Thank GOD.

dog prozac

Last week Toni destroyed the plastic bottom in her crate.  Then we put her bed in there, and she tore that up.  Now she has to sit on metal wires inside the crate.   That didn't seem nice, so we went to Kmart yesterday & got her a nice tall baby gate thinking maybe she could just chill in the hallway.  But that's not what happened.  Instead she jumped the gate, tore up the garbage, knocked everything off the night stand & peed on our bed.

It's a good thing she's really cute.  If it weren't for the pee on the bed I'd just think today's destruction was cute.

Hooray.  We are experts in dog separation anxiety.  Why the hell wouldn't we end up with another one?

Did I mention she's really cute?

 

It's like parting your hair on the other side

Look!  My blog is now backwards.  I like it better this way.  Somehow just seems ...different.
HTML can be fun.

And amazingly, do you know what else can be fun?  The DENTIST!   I just went to a new dentist and the place was so fancy and the people were so nice and personable that I didn't even care that they had to do a deep cleaning.  They just numbed me up and gave me the tv remote and I turned on the Daily Show and let them do their thing.  My last dentist wouldn't have given me the option of anesthetic, and she would've berated me for having unhappy gums & would've sent me to a specialist, telling me that my jaws are deteriorating and my teeth are going to all fall out (True story.  Not a correct diagnosis, obviously, because I still have all my teeth, but she sure did find ways to waste my time & money & keep me awake at night).  Now, with this new place, I'm actually kind of looking forward to going back in a couple weeks to get the other half of my mouth done.

I've learned something in the past 15 years I've been out on my own:

It pays to shop around.
For hair cutters, seamstresses, car salesmen, dog rescue ladies, and dentists.  Life doesn't really have to be a constant letdown.

Thanks Oprah.  I think there's some truth to this.  Mine is definitely a good one and I've seen enough to recognize it.

Dog dreams

I don't think I have ever heard Toni bark yet.  Except for in her sleep, when she lets out a mixture of muffled wwwfffffs and guinea pig-like noises.   Nope.  She's not a barker.

clocking out

Whaaah....  Just finished working.  And it's past my bedtime.  I don't think I walked more than half a block today.  Sure I'm feeling a little sorry for myself but I can't feel too bad, because Zach's got it worse.  He's probably not even gonna go to bed tonight.  

And everything is relative.  At least our jobs just consist of typing things & moving boxes around on screens. And the jobs could potentially get better if people act more intelligently.  I could look around & point out 60 other jobs that are worse than these.  Like the traffic directors standing in the middle of the busy, icy intersections during rush hour today.  Or the people on farms who have to artificially inseminate cows.  You know what I mean.

Oh oh!  We booked a vacation for the end of February.  We're going to St. Croix, where there are no telephones or computers or snow.  I almost can't believe it.

hello

I think this is my favorite picture of all time.  Actually, maybe it's tied with my all time favorite fuzzy mouse.



Just saying...

I have so much work I should be doing right now. 

haha very funny m*******

Apparently the battery in the clock on my desk at work died at 4:30 today.  I didn't realize this.  No, it's not 4:30.  It's now 6:30.   I should have gone home a long time ago.  I wonder how long I would've kept it up.  No wonder the dang place is a ghost town.  There's not even anyone here to laugh at me.

special treatment

Saturday morning post surgery.  Gets to hang out on mommy's bed.

fixed

Well that wasn't so bad this morning.   Everyone in the vet's office was very sweet & oohed and aahd about how silly and cute Toni is.  I agree.  That made me feel better.  Going to pick her up and bring her home in another hour or so.  

This picture also made me feel better:

It's cute.

Tonight she gets to lay on the couch with a blanket.  Well, really all weekend.   Well...  I guess that isn't much different than any other weekend...

ptsd

Tomorrow morning I take Toni in to get spayed.   The last time I took a dog to the hospital it went badly.  I think that Toni will be okay, but I'm worried about the flood of memories and emotions I'm bound to experience in the next few days.   Putting my faith in the doctors, leaving without her, tending to her at home while she's getting over anesthesia, administering wet food, carrying her up and down all the stairs five times a day, celebrating when her tail wags again...  And of course we've just been hit by a massive snow storm.  Not nearly as bad as the one last February when Fannie was in the hospital, but once again I'm gonna be navigating drifts with a sick pup in a sweater.   : (   

Really nervous.

congo bongo

This was one of our favorite video games as kids.  We used to play this on our Commodore 64 with Atari joysticks that had seen so much action that the black rubber cover had come off the stick, leaving basically a white plastic straw for us to steer with. 

So lifelike! The graphics are astounding. Puts todays games to shame.
I can't believe I still remember the "song."

My horoscope has been optimistic lately

Aries Jan 3 2012
You don't have to accept the joy, the serenity, and the many opportunities that are waiting for you in this new year. You could choose, instead, to cling to your old melancholy, your stress, and your sense of being stuck. But you aren't so addicted to drama and tragedy that you would do such a thing, are you? Of course you're not. That's why you're going to put a smile on your face, start thinking about all the wonderful possibilities that are out there waiting, and open your heart to a wonderful new beginning.


Aries Jan 4 2012
Are you ready for all the changes that are about to begin taking place in 2012? If not, it doesn't really matter. Because, like magic, as changes begin you will suddenly feel ready, willing, and able. If you are already feeling lucky, there is a very good reason for that. Your intuition is telling you that this will be a really good year. Projects that were stalled or stuck will start moving again. Relationships that were fraught with conflict will become easier. And goals for success that once seemed unattainable will finally be within your reach. Get ready for a very good year.

And I think I'll choose to believe it, because it does feel like I might finally be exiting a long dark period.

Hello 2012.  Pleased to meet you.

PSA

Dear friends, if you think you need a new winter coat, you should go to Macys within the next couple days. As they are every January, all the winter coats are on super sale. A sea of coats and coats and coats, all at least 50% off. It's really exciting. I've been without a long puffy down coat for a while now, since my last one committed zipper suicide on the train that one time. But today I finally got a new one. For $100. The original price was $300! That makes all the difference to me when I find things on sale - the original sticker price. I love to think of what I would have had to pay for the thing if I'd gone shopping back in October.

Anyhow, I find that good winter gear makes life so much better. I'm gonna go test out my new coat with dog walking duty.

Laying on the couch in my new pajama pants under my new blanket with my new dog. Trying to read my new book, but I keep falling asleep. And that's okay. This is a great Monday.

I love my new little dog.   She's funny & sweet.  She's not Fannie, but she'll make her own mark, in time.

Oh, also

I have more cookies than I've ever had in my life.  They somehow keep multiplying.  If Christmas cookies were currency I'd buy you all new cars.  I feel kind of gross.

Meet Toni!

We got one!   Look at our new little baby!

 

She's some sort of little basket case.  Very nervous and very very sweet.  We don't really know her story except that she came from a shelter in Southern Illinois.  And that she's a momma.  And she's squinty.  And super cute.  See?

 

I put some more pictures over here: --> picasa

Cookie party was a success. Look at what I came home with! Too bad I need to detox before eating any more cookies. Really. I could go for a blood transfusion tonight. Eating nothing but celery and leaves tomorrow I tell you.

                      

C is for Cooookie

All ready for my first cookie swap tomorrow. But man I'm tired and feeling pretty sickly from eating too many.

Chocolate Mint Cookies
Yield 3 to 4 dozen

Ingredients

* 3/4 cup butter
* 1 1/2 cups brown sugar
* 2 tablespoons water
* 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
* 2 eggs
* 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
* 1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 3 (4.5 ounce) packages Andes Mints

Directions

1. In a saucepan over medium heat, cook the sugar, butter and water, stirring occasionally until melted. Remove from heat, stir in the chocolate chips until melted and set aside to cool for 10 minutes.
2. Pour the chocolate mixture into a large bowl, and beat in the eggs, one at a time. Combine the flour, baking soda and salt, stir into the chocolate mixture. Cover and refrigerate dough for at least 1 hour.
3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease cookie sheets. Roll cookie dough into walnut sized balls and place 2 inches apart onto the prepared cookie sheets.
4. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, be careful not to overbake. When cookies come out of the oven, Press one mint wafer into the top of each cookie and let sit for 1 minute. When the mint is softened, swirl with the back of a spoon or toothpick to make a pattern with the green filling of the mint wafer. For smaller cookies, break mints in half.

Warning: Don't double the recipe. They're great cookies & they're easy peasy to make, but I got really tired of baking after the first 4 dozen. We have over 100 mint chocolate cookies. I only needed 36. Maybe we had 120 before I ate some.

aww snowflake

I donated some money to help this poor little girl last week.

snowflake's story on petfinder <------

And today I got a thank you card with 2 photos of her in the mail! Seriously - two of the cutest pictures of this silly thing laying with her belly exposed. Little feet up in the air. They say she's getting better. She still sleeps a lot but that she got out and played in the snow last week!

The card makes me so happy I want to do a little dance when I walk by it.

Dog rescue community once again redeems itself. : )

But I don't sit idly by

Things like this make me wish I was still on facebook so I could share.



Total gigglefest over here.

I know it's a pipe dream but America, PLEASE go metric. I'm willing to bet you could get more kids into math & science. You want to stay in the global game, don't you?

Also, my life would become markedly easier. See what I have to deal with here?

Please?

This is more like it.

Update to the dog search. Never mind that awful lady with the cute dogs she knows nothing about. I've found a much better, local rescue that believes in the value of foster care as much as I do. I don't know if I could adequately express how fantastic I think this step is. Foster homes are the best things for some of these adult dogs that come from pounds. Foster families give them a chance to show their personalities & possibly the ticks that landed them on the streets in the first place. Getting it all out in the open gives a dog a better than ever chance of landing in the right kind of home that rolls the way they roll.

Like,

Do you lose your mind when you're left alone? Ok then, we can be sure we place you in a home with other animal friends so you never feel abandoned. Or do you freak out & get aggressive when other animals come near your food or your stuff? That's okay. You're probably best in a single dog home. There are lots of those. Do fast moving little kids freak you out? Ok, we'll keep that in mind too. Or in Fannie's case, do you crap on your mom's pillow when you're mad at her? Yeah, none of us are perfect. It's good to know that you're a weirdo before we get fully involved.

And now I feel good about the dog rescue process again. I'm excited to maybe someday help this group out with their fostering & event planning & fund raising. Like-mindedness is underrated.

This is really funny to me.

ugh

I want to delete that last post. What a crappy day. Dog rescue ladies can be total jerks. They interrogate you before they'll decide if you're good enough to even talk to, and then they try to shove a dog down your throat. This lady totally turned me off because she couldn't tell me anything about her dogs' behavior yet she got pissed when I wasn't 100% comfortable with taking one home today. Then she scolded me and accused me of wasting her time.

People like this are all over in the animal rescue world. It's awful. It makes me not even want to work with them.

When I worked with the greyhound rescue we had the same kind of nut job as a president. She scared away potential adopters left & right because she was high pressure and intimidating & often times down right mean. It was embarrassing. Fortunately since then that group has got a new president and the number of adoptions have doubled.

Get a grip, people. Yes you're doing something important but keep it in perspective. It's not as if you're saving the world and you're God's gift because of that. You're dealing with humans. They can walk away and get a dog elsewhere if you insult them.

No wonder these poor pups have been on petfinder for so many months. I feel awful for them.

So sad. Crappy day.

I'm no hero. I'm paralyzed!

It's about time to bring home a new dog, but knowing which one to bring home is the very very hard part. I've been obsessively bouncing from tab to tab on my computer for the past couple weeks, looking at the faces of little ladies all across the Chicago area. I love them all. I want them all to sit on the couch with me every night. I want them all to go on road trips to Michigan with us. But we can only bring one home. And now I'm starting to feel sad & freaked out. I hate to think of leaving them behind. I've looked up (why do we do that?) and asked Fannie multiple times to send me a sign & let me know which one needs us most, but if she's sent a sign I haven't seen it yet.

Here are the 4 I would like to adopt today:

Grasshopper came from a puppy mill but I guess they didn't think she was good enough to sell. She has the saddest face and the biggest cutest nose. I think she's probably worth a billion dollars. I think she's my number one, but I have never met her.

Black Label is tiny and scruffy. She's also from a mill. They say she is very smart. I've never really had a very smart dog. It could be fun. I think her real name is probably Whiskey.

Raki is so funny looking that she's adorable. And she's a mom. I love that about her and think I'd have some nice conversations with her at 3 in the morning as I'm sitting nursing a baby some day. I also love her little post baby body. I worry that because she's funny looking, others may not love her as much as we could love her.

Poor little Noel came from a hoarder. She's just ridiculously cute.













I want to take all four of them and put them in my bed and watch tv. I want to put them all in my car and drive them to the beach. I'm embarrassed at my inability to pick a dog. Like I'm waiting for some devine signal. The dogs are all just waiting for someone to come get them. : (

I quit facebook last week. I guess. Suspended my account. That's quitting, right? I didn't delete it, because deleting it feels too much like suicide, so I just shut it off.

Anyhow, I decided to do that because I've been depressed. Like my life is getting away from me. And although I didn't really expect it, I actually feel better. I think it might be because I'm no longer subjecting myself to an endless stream of selectively shared awesome parts of other peoples lives. That was a long sentence but I think you know what I mean. I'm not blasted daily with pictures of smiling babies and beach vacations. And suddenly I feel so much more present.

Don't get me wrong. I think facebook is good. Sharing the happy stuff in life is good. I just have some issues and have been in dire need of a reality check. I get confused & start to imagine that everyone elses lives consist only of smiling babies & beach vacations. And I start to think something's seriously wrong with me because I don't have these things. Maybe if people posted photos of their windowless cubicles and long commutes, I could realize that my own life probably isn't all that inadequate.

I mean, yeah, my life could be better, but it's still good.

Also, I realized pretty quickly that if I want know how someone is doing, I need to interact with them now. I can't just browse their page anonymously. And to interact with someone, I have to call them. Or write them an email, which requires that I have their personal email address. And this made me realize how falsely connected to some people I am. Real interaction with people is nice. It makes me happy.

And then the day after I quit facebook I went to a cat circus. Suddenly, for a moment, I really regretted quitting because I couldn't post any pictures to show everyone how great a real live cat circus is! It was hard. But I can post cat circus pictures here, right? Take a look:





See??!

just so you know

peep

I'm scarred by something I saw in the baby chick house at the petting zoo this weekend. I did the right thing and alerted the employees. I think that's about all you can do when you see a sick and hurt baby chick at the petting zoo, right? She said she would go check on them. But I can't seem to get it off my mind.

Farm animals stress me out because they aren't taken care of like house pets are. But I have to face the fact that from now until the end of time there will be farm animals. They will be trampled and branded and kept in boxes and will have to ride on semi trucks in sub zero temperatures. Even El Presidente couldn't stop these things from happening if he wanted to.

I am a sensitive person. That's a fact. : (

I would like a hammock too

Squiggy is doing good. Given the fact that Zach and I are still mourning the loss of our dog and we're really probably overdue to start a human family, this fish SHOULD be good. He gets an inappropriate amount of our time & disposable income. Last night we went to two different pet stores looking for the perfect stuff for him. So far he's really digging his leaf hammock. Here's a video showing how a betta leaf hammock works:



From what I understand, in the wild they like to rest on plants near the surface of little puddles, and this kind of simulates that. And he actually really likes it. As soon as we put it in his tank he swam over and sat on it. I feel like he's doing a trick for us and so I squeal and clap my hands for him. I am officially maintaining the most boring blog ever.

new fish

We got a new fish. I think his name is Squiggy but I'm not sure. He's sitting in his plastic cup on the table next to the tank that was meant for Sushy. We're waiting a bit so his water temperature can change. Petco is much colder than the inside of our house. Nervous.

short lived

Zach brought home a fish today. He was used in a photo shoot at work a couple days ago, but apparently he hadn't been doing too well. We were very excited after work and went to the pet store and bought him $60 (that's more than a fish could ever earn in it's lifetime, I'm positive) worth of supplies and medicine. A new home, some live plants, some rocks, all that. We got everything all set up and were prepared to let his new little tank "normalize" for the next 24 hrs before he could move in... (you see me writing in past tense here?)

...and he died.

Poor dude. This is upsetting. Having sick pets is always upsetting. Even when you've only had the pet for an hour. Apparently I will go to decent lengths to save pets. I even walked an extra 15 minutes carrying heavy stuff in 90 degree heat to go get him a frozen pea from the grocery store. (You see, we suspected he was bloated because he had been fed too much. This makes fish constipated, and they sometimes float sideways. On the internet they prescribe mashed up frozen peas for fish, to get them regulated and pooping again). But I guess we were too late.

I think.

See, sometimes fish, they play dead, and then they start swimming again. I'm pretty sure he's dead, but I can't bring myself to flush him until I know for sure, so I'll check on him again after breakfast tomorrow. I am hopeful.

Dang, Sushy. I thought you were gonna be our new little buddy.

Now what do we do?

This is a dollhouse. No, really!
Here are some more.

I'm officially really really bad at blogging.

I got married. It was fun. It was beautiful. It went perfectly and I never plan to do it again.

Maybe I'll post a picture when I get around to going through all 700+ of them. I feel like that's more of a February/March job. Sorting through wedding pictures.

I was just given about 30-40% more responsibility today. No, no raise. It all starts next week. But I'm going to see how far a good attitude can get me through this.

I've worked really hard today. I'm not done with what needs to be done, but I never will be. It's beautiful out, and I need new shoes. I'm going to DSW.

And sometimes I trick myself into thinking that this is just what grownup life is. It's living in the matrix. You spend all of your time staring at a computer screen or at gridlock, and yes, of course life won't be as nice as it was in your 20s. That's how it's supposed to be. When you grow up, you toil away. No way around it.

But I know that's bull. You just have to work a lot harder to figure out that balance.

The things I really want

Sudden urge to move back to detroit. Tired of living in the matrix. Truthfully, I just want to go home. But you can't go HOME because, after 15 years, home is not how you remember it to be.

So what is it that I want? I want trees and grass. I want a short commute. I want real friends nearby. I want people to play music with. And a practice space. Maybe a community of musicians who I could go and watch weekend after weekend. Like the old times. I want time to go and see these people and do things with them after my work day.

These things don't seem so unattainable. Yet, where are they? After 9 years here, I'm starting to think they're not in Chicago.

Detroit, now that is just an illusion. At this point in time it's still pretty depressing, so let's just keep it at that.
Or no?

Is there any work for us in Seattle?

I need to figure this out so that I can start working on it and don't waste any more time.