So sometimes I get bored and I rub my belly or poke at it to try to wake baby up.  Is that mean?

Lenny!

And you are a boy!  Just like I've been telling everyone from the week I knew you were coming.  Gosh all that buildup from my last post has me feeling like I need to write something describing my thoughts now that we know you are a he. But I dunno. I guess it's just like I got proof. And so now we continue on with a little more direction on what things to bring home for you.

Today I got you your first book.  It's Olivia Forms a Band.  It's used.  I hope you don't mind. I expect you won't, and you'll probably get a lot of used things if I keep my head about me.  And I also got you your first stuffed animal.  It's a Snoopy.  All proceeds go to children's medical needs and schools, so it's an extra good Snoopy.

So now you have 3 possessions: A book, a Snoopy, and a string of elephants.  I think that's a good start.

Lenny or Lennie

Dear Baby,

Today is the very last day you are an "it" to us. Tomorrow, if all goes right, we find out if you are a he or she. And I am freaking terrified. And I don't know why. I feel like it's going to be the most important day of my life some how. And I don't even think I have a preference! I mean, either way I will love you. And either way your little personality is already there so it's not as if tomorrow's outcome is going to change any fate.

But tomorrow things are to become so certain. I bet part of the reason I'm freaking out is that I've been taking comfort in the "what if's" of not knowing. Like maybe I'm liking this illusion of less pressure while you are still just an idea and not a unique person to me yet. 

I'm worried about what my reaction is going to be. What if, even though I don't have a preference, I'm disappointed? What if I suddenly realize I have a preference?  

Ugh. I'm fully aware that I'm being ridiculous. This all really shouldn't matter. Especially since I'm pretty sure if I think we'd want to raise one of each we'll be covered because our plan is to adopt for round two. What would it matter which gender child is the genetic offspring?  Either way the experience is gonna be awesome and eye opening. 

I'm just an insane control freak, and now I'm gonna go to sleep and have crazy vivid pregnancy dreams about gender results all night long. 

Ps- right now you are kicking me like crazy and it's really cute. Like you're trying to say "Mom! I'm real, damn it! And I'm a _____!!"

Till tomorrow...

I feel sad and lonely tonight.  That's all.

 I promise I will write about something other than baby some day soon.

FYI - if you ever wondered what it feels like to have a baby moving in your belly, I'd say it's kind of like you swallowed a guinea pig that does somersaults. At least these early stages. I can't speak for what this will be like in 3 more months but so far I have a tiny spaz. And this is by far the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.

Things I miss

Laying on my stomach.  So much.  Can't sleep.  

What exactly is a Huckleberry friend?

We watched Breakfast at Tiffany's for the first time after work on Friday.  That's a good way to end a week, by the way.  Just ordering food for delivery and immediately putting on a movie.  Within no time I had shifted out of work gear which is pretty hard for me to do sometimes.

But I gotta say, while the movie was pretty and all, I found that Holly Golightly character to be just dispicable. I don't care how beautiful she might be. I found her to be gross and totally unlikable. I don't know if she deserved a happy ending. So I don't think I will be watching it again soon. 

But, one good thing that came of it is that I found a song to sing to the baby when it's 3am and I can't think of anything else to sing. I will be prepared. The words won't mean squat to the baby, but that's okay. It won't care. Babies just want you to sing at them sometimes, from what I understand. And this is a nice sleepy song with a melody that's interesting and strange enough that I won't get too tired of it too fast.



Just up to about a minute 20.  After that you'd wake the baby.   So I'd just sing this stretch over and over until I start to go insane, and then I'll switch to some Magnetic Fields song most likely. And now I feel just a little more prepared. 

things I miss

I can't wait to some day drink cup after cup of really good coffee again.  REALLY.

Baby in a box

This is awesome and fascinating.

Go Finland!

wish you were here

Dear baby,

It's 11pm on a Wednesday night. You and I are in a Hampton Inn in Covington Georgia. Business travel. These are the places my job takes us. It's September 11th.  11 years after all that awfulness happened.  I could write about what I was doing 11 years ago when I lived in New York, but that's not what's on my mind tonight. Instead I have a confession to make and it feels terrible.

Fact: As of today, I don't really feel bonded to you yet. I mean I like the idea of you, but that is all you seem to be. Maybe the problem is that I don't feel I've got proof that you're real. I mean, of course I've got proof. I've seen something on a distorted screen at the doctor's office that they say is you.  I've seen your little hands and what they say are your legs. And I have visible proof that you're there now, because we're at a point where complete strangers are asking me how far along I am (no denial here).  But still, I feel like I'm waiting for proof. This could all be some grand illusion.

Maybe it's because the last babies were.

Maybe the first time I feel you move a light will go on for me.  Or maybe it will be when I learn whether you are a he or she.  I've been told that for some people it isn't until much much later that they feel a connection. Maybe it won't be until I hold you in my arms and sniff your little head that you feel real to me.

But as of now, in my head I can't quite wrap my thoughts around the fact that you are a little person. I try to talk to you but it feels silly and it doesn't stick. And as guilty as I feel about it, as of now this pregnancy has just been something that is happening TO me. So far in my head it's all been in terms of me. Me me me. I am barfy. I am getting fat. I don't fit into my clothes. I am gonna be leaving work for a few months.

Some day I will wish that I could take you with me on awful business trips like this. Some day, when I actually know you, when I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love a person, I will feel sad for all these days I spent with you so close to me when I didn't feel anything. And then I will wish to go back in time to right now, when I'm sitting on this bed in a quiet hotel room and straining to tell the difference between you and normal digestive tract things.

Sigh.

Stupid pregnancy dreams.

 They're always so long and vivid and upsetting.  Not welcome. 

Achievement unlocked

Swollen feet and kankles. (I have no idea who the heck is gonna be interested in his post but...)  At only 4 months this surprises me. Should it? Maybe it's because I stood for 36 hours on a concrete floor in an un air conditioned factory over the past three days.

The funny thing is, because I normally have very long and spindly feet that never seem to fill out my shoes, and seriously finger-like toes, and skinny ankles that I'm self conscious of, I feel like this swelling is an ok thing.  They actually kind of look like normal people feet for once, save for the fact that my ankles didn't want to bend readily by he end of the day yesterday. It's neat. 

This is all very new and interesting to me.  I'll take he good with the bad.   

Did you guys ever see that funny paparazzi shot of kim kardashian's super swollen pregnant feet in ridiculous cruel shoes?  Hahaha.  Man o man. That was gross. 

I kind of can't wait for snow and winter hats.  

So I'm gonna have a baby in six months and now I have this crazy urge to sign up for business classes and work on my career? Of course.  

I too can participate in the novelty of cooking outside

in un-baby news, we bought our first grill today!

We started off the day by riding the train to Logan Square for breakfast and the farmer's market with my mom.  Yes, the farmers market is stupid expensive, but I love knowing that everything I'm getting there is going to taste pretty perfect.  Namely the tomatoes.  I would gladly pay $50 for one funny looking farmers market tomato than pay $1 for 50 of those mealy, crappy grocery store tomatoes.  Seriously. Once the season ends it's really hard to go back to mass produced produce.

Anyway, today our haul was a couple big tomatoes, peaches, michigan blueberries, 2 corns and some flowers.  All of these things are bringing me great happiness.

And the corns seemed too exciting to boil, so at 35 & 36 years old, we went to home depot and bought our very first grill. I don't know why it never really occurred to me to get a grill before.  I suppose because we don't eat meat?  Duh.  But I never really stopped to think - You can grill things other than meat.  Duh!

It's a little bitty grill, but it's still a grill and it was still fun to (watch Zach) use. Even in the rain.

This looks like a sad face with big lips:

And although the rain kind of put out the heat before the corn could get toasty, we're still pretty pumped. Today I made a seasoned butter for the corns. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow or Tuesday I'll try those seasoned potatoes wrapped in foil.  I feel like a whole new world could be opening up here.  Please send recipes.  Thx!

Good morning

Zach says he's practicing his animal shapes for the baby. If this was intended to be a frog we're all ready!

Aaand he looks great!

I say he because I am just positive it's a he. I haven't been told or anything but my brain says he. So now that that's out of the way, look!!  Do you see this little hand??  Isn't it crazy?

I totally get that other people's ultrasounds don't look like much, but if it helps this is a front view and that's his little right hand waiving.  The face looks a little alien like, and his profile honestly looks a lot like Beavis at this point, but I have faith that it will all come together and he'll look cute (though probably still with a large head) like his dad as a baby (who also had a large head) when we meet him in February.  

Little fingers!  We made it to 12 weeks!!

Beyond nervous.  

Maybe that sounds a little negative?  I don't want to come off as negative about this.  I'm not.  Maybe just super guarded.  No.  Definitely super guarded.  I don't know when I'll feel safe.  I assume confidence will come in stages.  Tomorrow morning we have our 12 week ultrasound.  This is the point where, if baby is still okay, we are ushered into the "safer zone." I'm nervous as heck. But I'll breathe a little easier after this milestone. And then I'll wait a few more weeks until I get the little reassurances of feeling him move in my belly, saying "It's ok mom. I'm still here and everything's good."

In the meantime it's probably a good thing that I have a crazy demanding work day.  Really, I shouldn't have stopped to write this.  But sometimes sanity should come first. 

Without ceremony, but not at all unimportant

Oh by the way, I'm pregnant.  I don't know how to announce something like this on a blog. I feel like this is the kind of thing that deserves well thought out and crafted words. But Im kind of out of practice at writing and that task just seems really daunting right now. My thoughts are complex, and at eleven weeks I'm not quite ready to blast it out to the world . But I figure this is an ok enough spot since readership is pretty low. You'd think this is the kind of news I'd want to shout from roof tops, but eh, not yet.  There's a deep fear instilled in me from a previous loss.

Last November we lost twins at 10 weeks. And God if anything deserves to be properly written about it's miscarriage. I felt so alone during that time even as stories of others' losses came out of the woodwork. Things I would've never known if I hadn't been privileged enough to be inducted into this shitty club.

I don't understand why something so incredibly common is such a taboo conversation topic. I felt it every in the reaction of every friend i mentioned it to who'd never had it hit home before (or at least who wasn't aware it ever had). People got extremely uncomfortable and didn't know how to react.  And then, without fail, I felt embarrassed and ashamed for putting them in that situation by bringing it up. Some day I would like to see that change.  It sounds completely cliche but women need to know they aren't alone. They seriously need reassurance that they didn't do anything wrong to cause it to happen. People need to know that it's just something that happens. A lot.  A lot more than you think it does. And by not sharing all of my thoughts and what the experience was like in a timely and honest way I feel like I'm doing women a disservice by swallowing my experience like so many others.  

Maybe I'm still afraid to share all of that because of the deer in headlights reactions I'd gotten used to getting.  At this point who wants to hear about what it's like to admitted to a hospital where they put you under and speed the process along for you?  Who wants to know all the details about how a miscarriage is not (as they depict on television) something that happens in a day, but rather over the course of weeks.  It's a violating, gross and extremely painful process. I certainly don't feel like reliving it today.
 
But I don't know.  Maybe someday I'll understand why it had to happen. Maybe some day I'll tell the whole story. Today I feel like I just need to keep looking forward, at least treading water, and holding on to hope like a seatback cushion after a plane crash, knowing that I made it through something awful but it's nothing to be ashamed of and that I am about to move forward to other, much much happier times.  It will always have an impact on who I am but it doesn't define me. There's so much more ahead of me.

ORD-->SEA

This is my fifth time on a plane in two weeks.  Flying is so difficult when you're pregnant. At this point it's mostly due to the fact that I've got a nose like a dog.  Only unlike dogs (who from what I can tell usually love disgusting smells), to me, disgusting smells just smell disgusting. Super disgusting.  Vomit inducing disgusting.  And airports and airplanes are chock full of disgusting smells.  From the food courts to the food people ate 4 hours ago, to the laundry detergents they use or don't use, to their hair or their breath or the farts they think you can't smell,  it's just awful. The absolute worst part is when you're sitting on the Tarmac in a plane when they've shut off the circulation.  Why for the love of God do they do that to us?  Just saying.

At least this time I'm flying for fun.  Not for work. We're going to Seattle for the first time.  I'm so excited to see some hills and green stuff and fresh air.   Though I don't know how likely it is, this is what I want to see:

Everything is pretty to me today

i love the internet

Because I can spend a Friday night looking at pictures of anything I want.

For example:

 

And...   drumroll.........

 

There's nothing like the diminishing of options to concentrate the mind.

It's still very cold out

Every year around this time I wonder "when does it get warm again?  I can't remember when it starts to get warm..."

So here's a reminder for me for next year:  It's March 17th and it's still stupid cold out.  It's going to be in the 30s for the rest of the week, and it's probably not going to get springy any time in march.

I am going crazy for need of leaves and green grass.  I saw a picture on line today of my friends in texas at a carnival.  It's already summer there.  Why do I live here again?

Yessir, March in the Midwest pretty much blows.  I need to find a way to keep occupied for another month or so.   And maybe a sun lamp.

super clean

I just took a 40 minute shower. It was fantastic. I highly recommend it.

I'm pruney.

That's all.

Also

I'm having a terrible time getting myself to sleep these days. So tired but mind won't stop. Worrying. Worrying. Trying to see things in different lights. Looking at them again all over in the same light. Contented, but with what feels like a fragile balance.

That was cryptic sounding, right?

Just need. to. relax.

Ignorance is bliss

I wonder how close I've ever come to swallowing a spider. Really. It'd most likely be in my sleep. Then again, maybe not. I can try to be cool about this but the truth is that if I had a radar that would somehow alert me as to where all spiders are in my proximity at any given time, I'd probably lose my brains. You'd need to medicate me and put me somewhere sterile and safe for a while. And who knows what my re-entry to the real world would be like. Probably pretty shakey I'd imagine. Because now I'd know the truth.

So yeah, if you have a device like that just don't ever let me know.

I'd bet there's a spider under my bed right now. Because its cold out. Spidies ain't stoopid.

Well you learn something new every day!

Only one of these is delicious.

Light

CFL bulbs are getting better. I think. That or I'm getting used to them. They seem softer and warmer.

Either way, it's not a bad thing. I feel good about using them. There was a time they made my skin crawl.

Oh God  wait, I hope it's that they're getting better. I never want fluorescent light to seem normal.

Technology

This post is just to show Whisper how you can upload pictures of food to blogger from your phone. This macaroon looks like a tiny hamburger. Though it does not taste like one. Personally, I think macaroons are gross. Even when tiny.

Good morning 2013

I woke up to explosive dog diarrhea on the stairs. Great start! 💩🎉

Can only go up from here, right?

Ugh

Tonight (per Zach's request. I'll blame him) we conducted an experiment: It was Hamburger Helper.  With Morningstar crumblers of course. I thought there was a chance it could be ok.  I mean, we're good friends with kraft mac & cheese and that's along the same vein, right?  Zach had never had Hamburger Helper.  I don't know if I have either but now I'm feeling like I would've remembered this.  Because it was terrible.  I mean, So. Bad.  Noodle-like food product in salt sauce.  I'm feeling like I might be scarred by this.  I can't believe Americans eat this.  Seriously?  This is from Betty Crocker.  I'm really depressed.

Maybe I can make things right soon with the new casserole dish I just bought.  A casserole dish is one thing I kind of expected to get for our wedding but didn't.  And now I'm feeling glad, because this meant I got to dig around on ebay for a happy looking one that evokes some memories.  Look at the box it came in!

Also, I just got this 1977 JC Penny Xmas catalog.  

I know I'll get $10 worth of entertainment out of it, but dang, ebay is dangerous.

Oh no.  I just wrote a blog about Hamburger Helper, casserole dishes & JC Penny catalogs.

Excited for holidays.  Wanting comfort.  Like new socks and sweaters kinds of comfort.  And snow.  I'm really excited for snow.

Wishing I could teleport everyone to one location for Thanksgiving.   It's not working out that way.  Why does everyone have to be so dang far apart?    Why don't I have 5 bedrooms to put everyone up in?  Oh yeah.  Those reasons.   All my decisions.  I get it.  Still time to change if I'm not living the way I want to.

Every once in a while I feel like I'm doing actual science at work.   Most of the time I feel like I'm faking it.  Repeating science jargon.  But other times I realize that I'm actually facilitating the work and I'm pulling real solutions out of info from real lab analyses done at a molecular level.   And that's kind of cool.  If you're gonna be a nerd you may as well be a real one.   It makes me feel useful.

Today was a crap day.   Sleep quality affects so much.

Sad phone

I've been walking around with my phone like this for a while now.  It's the result of one drop on a concrete factory floor.  I should know better than to take this out to a plant floor while trying to carry other things.   Anyhow, it's functioning ok and I'm kind of getting used to it.  But right after it happened Zach ordered a do-it-yourself repair kit online.   That kit arrived in the mail today and among the tiny screwdrivers and magnetic tools & special adhesives -  there's a guitar pick.  Um, wha?  I can't wait to follow along with the youtube DIY videos to learn where the guitar pick comes into play.

Maybe I should do some back ups before we go to town, right?  I mean, I do know better...

Official

I feel REALLY emo about this. But I feel even worse about owning two cars... so it goes. Mom said I should never name my cars.   But Paco, I feel like I'm betraying you.  You've been so good to me.  Whah...   I hope he gets a nice new home.

check

Oh my God that was totally not bad.  She didn't make me run.  She didn't make me move fast.  We didn't even use any weights.  Just big bands & rubber balls.  I thought we were warming up the whole time, thinking "When is she gonna make me run?  When do I have to run?"   And just like that, it was over.   I'll probably be sore tomorrow.  I know I worked hard but I didn't even notice it happening.  Success.  I did it.  I am no longer afraid of personal trainers.

That has been on my to do list for so many years. 

Busy doing stuff

Hello.   I'm still here.  I haven't been a super good blogger but I guess that's just because I'm focusing more on doing stuff than thinking about doing it.  Maybe?  See when Zach and I were on vacation this Spring he brought up a really good point.  As we were kayaking in the ocean he said "I wish we did more of this stuff in real life."  Duh!  He's totally right.  We have so much fun on vacation.  We do stuff.  Why don't we do stuff at home?  Lots of people come to Chicago to do stuff.  Who says we have to resign ourselves to working, commuting & sitting on our asses watching the Soup at night?

So I signed us up for some stuff (I just wrote the word stuff a lot!).

This week we did THIS.  It was pretty great if you could look past the garbage floating past you in the River.  I totally recommend it.

NEXT I have to schedule our segue tour downtown. Yeah I'm just gonna own that.  I bought 2 tickets through Groupon, so we're committed.  I have to fully recognize that I'm beyond the point of ever being cool like Fonzie in this lifetime.

Just ride the damn segue.  If you happen to see someone you know, waive.


AND we joined a gym.  Monday I have my first appointment with a trainer and I'm terrified.  Maybe it will be helpful for me to think this through for a sec to identify exactly what I'm afraid of...   I guess it's a few things:

1. Looking like a fool.  I am super uncoordinated.  Phys Ed was always just horribly humiliating for me and I don't want to go back to that dark place.  I'm afraid she's going to make me run.  I run like a retard.  I'm sure of it.  There will be people around who will see me.   This is going to be horrible.   
2. My legs itch when I run. It's unbearable. I can't get past that. Can I?
3. I'm afraid I'm going to knock my teeth out.  I don't know how but it could happen.  Especially since I'm uncoordinated.  I would find a way.   My shoelace will get caught in the treadmill.  Or my feet will slip off of some lever on a resistance machine.  I could easily knock my teeth out.
4. I'm afraid she's actually gonna make me work hard.   I go to the gym because it's fun.  I stretch myself a little and I get sweaty, then I get clean and feel self righteous.  There's a threshold where fun becomes not fun.  And I have a pretty low tolerance for ...oh I guess anything.  I'm super lazy.  Lifting heavy stuff until you are shaking is not my idea of fun.  How can I psych myself up to think this is fun? Any advice is appreciated.

And tomorrow morning we are going to the Chinatown Fair!   10am baby contest!  I cannot wait to see a baby contest in Chinatown!  Wtf is a baby contest anyhow?!  Whatever it is I'm so excited.


So, you know, I see I still have some areas for improvement.  But I'm putting myself outside that comfort zone and that's a start.  A few years back I bought an old wooden wall hanging at a thrift store that reads "May you live... all the days of your life."   I like that idea.  I'm not totally there yet but I'm making an effort.  

I hope you're having a good & engaging summer as well.

2 doggies chillaxing in the sunshine.

stop. look at things.

Last weekend we went to the greenhouse in Michigan with Mothra (mother in law) to pick out her flowers for the season.   It was seriously so beautiful and peaceful.  People pay for entry to see things like this in other circumstances.  I have to remember this.  Greenhouses.

Dude, it's done already

I'm drafting my first condo association annual budget letter as Treasurer and I'm totally over thinking it.  I feel like my life is a constant struggle to find balance between "good organized" and "embarrassingly anal."  

This year I learned that I have a form of ADD which tends to manifest itself in Rainman-like bouts of hyper-focus.   And, I guess in certain situations is pretty useful even if it can come off as weird and obsessive.  If you want something done and you don't want anything to fall through the cracks, give it to me and rest easy.  But for your own sanity, never EVER pick me as a partner if you just want to plan a birthday party.

I get to see some family tomorrow and I like that.  Even if we're only to get together for a memorial service.   It's nice with new extended family there.

Need to take a break.  A reality check.  Because all I do is work these days.  Really.  It's not right.  And I feel like I'll fail if I stop.   There's got to be better ways to do this.

I need to get back on that bucket list.   Where can I find a baby pig to hold?

Remember the first phone cameras?

Zach's new iphone takes nice pictures.   And I'm kind of jealous of that.

Technology has come so far in the past decade.  The newer version of my current phone takes videos in 3D.  Not that I have a use for that, but it just has me wondering what's going to be available in another 10 years.  I hope they figure out how to transmit smells.  THAT would be useful.

Man I am so lazy this Saturday.  This is supposed to be the time when I get everything done.  But all I can seem to do is lay around reading car blogs.

I need to tame my new car fever.  I absolutely don't need a new car right now.  I might need a brake job, but NOT a new car.  Paco is fine.  He's definitely getting up there in miles, but he's paid for.  I need to..   but...  all this new technology.  The new versions of Paco have bluetooth & backup cameras & dual climate control....    And, okay okay I honestly don't need any of that crap either.  

Ugh.  I feel so ashamed when I get caught up in consumerism.  I need to go camping in the woods or something.  I need to remember to keep it real.

That sounds jerky.  All people are important.  It's just that most people... I know I'm not truly that important to them.   And so it was cool to not be bothered by them and a barage of  empty birthday greetings.  Surprisingly cool.    Narrowing down my pool of contacts from quantity to quality has been nicer than I'd expected.  Not being on facebook has been way nicer than expected.  So it goes...

This was a pretty good birthday.   Really only heard from people who are important to me and that made things feel more sincere.

I can't believe I'm 34 now.  This is the first time I've ever felt panic about my age.   It's silly.  I hope I get over that soon.  If all goes right I have plenty of time left.

Hoppy Easter

Good Friday is about the only day of the year that I have off work that Zach does not.  Usually I hang out at home with the dog.   Sometimes we go visit Zach at work.   This year I walked around the neighborhood a little and went to get falafil.  It's weird to see what the world does during the day when you're at work.  

2 years ago I took a picture pretty much exactly like this of Fannie.  My little Good Friday lamb.   I can't seem to find that picture now.  It's probably locked up in my old facebook account.  This reminds me I need to organize & back up files & pictures.  Or some day I'll regret it.

Look what I made this morning:
Horseradish & black pepper deviled eggs for the annual potluck at Dawns.   Fancy!

Also, my brother mailed me a Cadbury Egg.   Another sort of tradition...