Friday, September 27, 2013

I feel sad and lonely tonight.  That's all.

Monday, September 23, 2013

 I promise I will write about something other than baby some day soon.
FYI - if you ever wondered what it feels like to have a baby moving in your belly, I'd say it's kind of like you swallowed a guinea pig that does somersaults. At least these early stages. I can't speak for what this will be like in 3 more months but so far I have a tiny spaz. And this is by far the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.

Things I miss

Laying on my stomach.  So much.  Can't sleep.  

Sunday, September 22, 2013

What exactly is a Huckleberry friend?

We watched Breakfast at Tiffany's for the first time after work on Friday.  That's a good way to end a week, by the way.  Just ordering food for delivery and immediately putting on a movie.  Within no time I had shifted out of work gear which is pretty hard for me to do sometimes.

But I gotta say, while the movie was pretty and all, I found that Holly Golightly character to be just dispicable. I don't care how beautiful she might be. I found her to be gross and totally unlikable. I don't know if she deserved a happy ending. So I don't think I will be watching it again soon. 

But, one good thing that came of it is that I found a song to sing to the baby when it's 3am and I can't think of anything else to sing. I will be prepared. The words won't mean squat to the baby, but that's okay. It won't care. Babies just want you to sing at them sometimes, from what I understand. And this is a nice sleepy song with a melody that's interesting and strange enough that I won't get too tired of it too fast.

Just up to about a minute 20.  After that you'd wake the baby.   So I'd just sing this stretch over and over until I start to go insane, and then I'll switch to some Magnetic Fields song most likely. And now I feel just a little more prepared. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

things I miss

I can't wait to some day drink cup after cup of really good coffee again.  REALLY.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Baby in a box

This is awesome and fascinating.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

wish you were here

Dear baby,

It's 11pm on a Wednesday night. You and I are in a Hampton Inn in Covington Georgia. Business travel. These are the places my job takes us. It's September 11th.  11 years after all that awfulness happened.  I could write about what I was doing 11 years ago when I lived in New York, but that's not what's on my mind tonight. Instead I have a confession to make and it feels terrible.

Fact: As of today, I don't really feel bonded to you yet. I mean I like the idea of you, but that is all you seem to be. Maybe the problem is that I don't feel I've got proof that you're real. I mean, of course I've got proof. I've seen something on a distorted screen at the doctor's office that they say is you.  I've seen your little hands and what they say are your legs. And I have visible proof that you're there now, because we're at a point where complete strangers are asking me how far along I am (no denial here).  But still, I feel like I'm waiting for proof. This could all be some grand illusion.

Maybe it's because the last babies were.

Maybe the first time I feel you move a light will go on for me.  Or maybe it will be when I learn whether you are a he or she.  I've been told that for some people it isn't until much much later that they feel a connection. Maybe it won't be until I hold you in my arms and sniff your little head that you feel real to me.

But as of now, in my head I can't quite wrap my thoughts around the fact that you are a little person. I try to talk to you but it feels silly and it doesn't stick. And as guilty as I feel about it, as of now this pregnancy has just been something that is happening TO me. So far in my head it's all been in terms of me. Me me me. I am barfy. I am getting fat. I don't fit into my clothes. I am gonna be leaving work for a few months.

Some day I will wish that I could take you with me on awful business trips like this. Some day, when I actually know you, when I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love a person, I will feel sad for all these days I spent with you so close to me when I didn't feel anything. And then I will wish to go back in time to right now, when I'm sitting on this bed in a quiet hotel room and straining to tell the difference between you and normal digestive tract things.


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Stupid pregnancy dreams.

 They're always so long and vivid and upsetting.  Not welcome.