Tuesday, February 18, 2014

letter to baby

Ok.  Every day is a little different. I'm coming to terms with all this. Feeling more like I'm ready.  I know everything is gonna be okay.  I just wrote a letter to send to baby at his email address.  I've been slacking on that.  I should be sending him some more pictures before it's all out of date.  Anyway, here's what I have to say to baby today. I haven't sent it yet. But I'm not sure why not. I mean my whole objective here is to talk to him like a person and let him see me as a person. Why does that already feel so weird?  I have so much to learn and get used to.

Dear Lenny,

Today is Tuesday February 18, 2014.  Gosh, I've been so wrapped up in my own physical pain and discomfort these last few days (being 9 months preggo is hard) that it hasn't really hit me that you're almost here. Like, you're really happening. And you are a real person. A real person who I am going to be responsible for for the rest of my life. You are gonna have your own feelings, and you'll be able to feel physical pain and discomfort. And you can be put in danger. And it's gonna be up to me to keep you safe and happy for as long as I can.

It freaks me out, buddy. I really am worried about how I'll do. At first I will probably fumble. I'll be kind of a wreck at calming you and meeting your needs. I won't know how to hold you right or how to give you a bath or get your little clothes on. But we'll get over all these initial things. And you won't remember them, so it's kind of okay. I just need to be very sure I keep you from getting hurt. That part will be important.

But then as you get older, and I'm gonna be responsible for keeping your world together. Making sure you get to where you need to be with all the things you need to have with you. And with clean clothes and a full belly. And an understanding about why and where you're going. 

I hope that I can be a good mom. I hope that I can be present for you and listen to you and make sure I try my best to help you feel heard and make sure you understand things.

I hope that I can maintain my own independence at the same time, so that you see me and your daddy as individual people who do things for you not because we have to, but because we want to. Because we love you. 

I hope that you like us. I hope we enjoy each other's company. Because life is so much better when you get along with the people you spend so much time with. I hope we can all see each other as people. Not just the roles we play. I hope we can go do things together and actually have fun.  I hope you're never too embarrassed or ashamed to hang out with us. Because life is so short, baby.  And we waited until later in life to have you, so our time together is really going to be a little limited.  So we'll need to always remember to make the best of it.

And I hope that I am never a burden to you.  Some day when I'm old and unable to take care of myself, I hope that I've managed to make plans so that I can stay somewhere where others can take care of me, and you can live your life without ever having to know what it's like to have to tend to someone who always tended to you.

And I hope that you are a happy person. I know that life is hard when you're unhappy. I hope you find a way to be content and excited about most things. Because that's the best way to live. And some of it really is a choice. It's all in how you look at things. So hopefully I can manage to teach you this as much as possible.

That's all I can think of for now. You can come when ever you're ready now. Your due date starts in 4 hours.  They tell me not to be afraid of labor, so I guess I should tell you not to be afraid as well.  Mommas and babies go through this kind of thing all the time, and there will be people there who's job is to keep the two of us safe. And when you come out I promise to keep things quiet and warm and to hold you as much as possible until you aren't scared. We're in this together.

Also, I can't wait for you to meet your dad. He's really amazing and smart and loving. I feel really good that he is your dad. You're going to have an amazing life under his wing.

We'll see you very very soon,



Sunday, February 9, 2014

What a pregnant brain looks like

So baby is maybe a week or so away.  Maybe more.  Maybe less. I haven't been writing a lot but it doesn't mean there's not a lot on my mind.  Here's something I wrote a couple weeks back but never hit publish on.  These days I feel like all I could muster up to write about is how physically uncomfortable I am.  Because I am. Seriously, everything hurts.  From my fingers to my tailbone to my ankles.  A friend said he thinks that mother nature makes us super duper uncomfortable at the end so that we're willing to do anything to get the baby out. And it makes a lot of sense.  Because my fear of labor is kind of being trumped by my desire to make my current pain stop.  

Anyway, if you have wondered what kinds of things go through the head of a first time mom before it all happens, here's what I was thinking a couple weeks ago before I got to be so uncomfortable and was still able to live in my head:

What I'm freaked out about:

The not knowing when this is going to happen is really getting to me.  Along with the not sleeping well.  All the uncertainty and lack of control has got me in a state. I don't know what work projects I should start and what I can promise to anyone.

And then I think about being a mom.  I have such mixed emotions. I don't want a life without children, but I've got all these fears that I'm afraid to admit to too many people.  

Yes I'm worried about pooping during labor. I'm worried about tearing during delivery.  I'm worried about getting stretch marks. All that vain stuff.  But more so....

I'm afraid I won't like him. I've never cared all that much about babies. So why would I like this one? What am I doing? Do I even deserve a baby?  What right have I to a baby when I'm so wishy washy and luke warm about the idea when there are so many women out there who are certain and are desperate for a baby?  (Ok. I am obviously forgetting how I felt when I was going through a miscarriage, and then acupuncture for fertility and all of that.  Obviously.  I know that I do want this but I'm just going a little crazy right now).  I have to just trust that I'll like my own baby.

And yeah I'm afraid my body won't look good after. I mean it was never great. It was pretty good when I was on anti anxiety meds which made me drop weight like crazy as a side effect (Not healthy.  Not cool. I know) but otherwise I'm really pear shaped and any extra weight I carry tends to exacerbate that. Pregnancy has helped balance that with an illusion. I actually feel cuter while pregnant than not. It disguises my disproportion. And I probably won't want to go to the gym after. Because I never did like going all that much before. And now I'll be tired, so I really won't want to go. 

And I'm terrified of always being super tired. And it's inevitable.  But I am miserable when I'm tired. Everything looks so ugly to me when I'm tired. I can't function when tired.  I start to hate everything.  What if I get depressed? What if I get to be terrible at my job?  What if I resent the baby? What if it affects my relationship? What if my depression affects the baby?  Why am I taking this risk??

And then to have to go in and focus on work???  On no sleep???  For a boss who doesn't have kids but does have high standards?? 

And I'm worried about what this change will do to my relationship with Z. I feel like we work so well as a pair. (Actually, lately I feel like sometimes I have been the baby. That's just a side note. It will be weird to shift roles once I'm not so handicapped). What if he starts to feel shut out because I become so focused on tending to baby that he needs to look elsewhere for love and I don't see it?

And I'm worried about breast feeding. To be totally honest, the concept already grosses me out. I assume I'll get over this. I'll need to.  Because I really want to to do everything I can to help Lenny to not have the food allergies that I have, and that so many other kids these days have.  But then I keep reading that it's painful as hell. How do you keep going when your nipples are cracked and bleeding? This sounds terrible. Just insane. Totally insane.

I'm worried about leaving him at daycare. What if they are not good to him?  What if they hurt him? Or neglect him?  What if he's sick all the time? 

I'm worried about living on less money. Day care is SO expensive.  It's more than our mortgage.

I'm worried that he won't like me.
I'm worried that he'll think the quiet life we lead is boring.

And on and on and on....

I need to come back and read this in a years' time with some commentary on how things actually turned out and how many of these fears were never realized.  Or were.  Ugh.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

37.8 weeks

Now we start counting fractions of weeks again.

I feel off today. Not contented. Irritable. That feeling like my teeth itch. I don't know how else to explain it.  Everything is irritating to me.  

This morning we had an inconclusive, not very informative (with regard to progress) doctor's appointment.  I don't understand why they insist on doing cervical checks if the results are completely suggestive and one doctor can contradict a previous doctor's observations.

I just don't know.  I do terribly with uncertainty.

And I don't know when this baby is coming. On Sunday I thought for sure it was just a matter of days. But today he feels much further away.  I do know that he's heavy and he's sitting on my pelvis and bladder and everything is uncomfortable. I do know that I have more than the average amount of "practice contractions" and they're getting kind of old. I do know that my work projects aren't quite ready to be shut down, and so I guess I'm grateful for the extra time.

But the fact is that I'm physically tired, and that affects how I feel about everything.  And the people I'm working with on work stuff seem to be particularly ditzy and incompetent and are all lacking a sense of urgency, and I don't have time for that.

And there are fruit flies in our house for some reason that are making me want to scream.  I can't work from home if we have fruit flies.

And I'm feeling weepy about Fannie, who at this time 3 years ago was so sick.  She passed away on the 11th. I will be happy to soon have something else to associate Februaries with.

Ok enough bitching. I need to get back to work. Whah.