Sunday, December 8, 2013

Not a creature was stirring

I've been bad a writing lately and I feel like now is the most important time ever to be doing it.  I really should be taking these quiet moments to document what I'm thinking, and what life is like for us right now. Because from what I understand, I won't have the time to do these things later and I know that once Lenny is here our lives will never be the same.  So I'll work on that.

In the meantime, I've started an email address for the baby. It's his firstnamelastname at  This will be handy for a couple reasons.  #1 - When he eventually needs an email address he won't need to be  So that will be pretty cool.  (assuming gmail is still around).  And #2, in the meantime I can use it to document things for him.  I can send him pictures of his birthday and holidays and normal days, and tell him little stories about things he says and does along the way.  It will be a virtual baby book of sorts and it can never get lost or destroyed in a fire or flood. 

So I kicked it off this afternoon with this little note to him:

Hello Baby,
I realize that by the time you read these emails you won't be a baby, but as of right now you definitely are. Today is December 8, 2013. It's a Sunday afternoon and the first big snow is falling outside.  Our house is so quiet.  All you can hear is the clock ticking. Your dad and our little dog Toni are each napping on separate couches. I will attach some pictures of this for you. 

You actually aren't here yet. You are currently bunched up on the right side of my belly under my rib cage. For some reason you seem to like it over there better than the left side or the middle. You kind of make my belly look funny this way. I feel a hard spot on the right side, which I'm not sure is your head or your little butt. Regardless, I like to pat it and hope it doesn't bother you. You're getting awfully crowded in my belly and you still have 2 more months to go!  Next week we will be going to have an ultrasound to see how big you are. We're thinking you are a big boy. I would not be surprised if you are 10lbs when you're born. Your dad was also a big boy at 9 lbs. Either way, I know that you are STRONG! I already feel you push with all your might on my insides like you're trying to get out through my belly button. I sense you're a little frustrated but you will be out soon enough and you'll be able to stretch and kick as much as you want then.  Until then it's probably best that you stay put because brrr... it's really cold out here today.

Friday, November 29, 2013


I'm depressed. Why do people with children feel like they need to tell me just how terrible it's going to be when this baby arrives? Surely there's another side of the story that they're not telling me. Because they go back and do it again and again. And they manage to do things outside of taking care of those babies for the first six months. Are they just showing off and being dramatic? Trying to sound like they're in the know? 

I guess I can understand someone's desire to do that but let's face it - it's rude.  Let me figure this out and have my own experience. And let me remember a year or two down the road to not do that crap to other expectant women.  We're scared enough as it is. Be encouraging. 


Thursday, November 14, 2013

Oh my god I'm a 38D. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Achievement unlocked:  I'm polishing the kitchen appliances at 8:30 in the morning. Must. Do it. Now. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

So sometimes I get bored and I rub my belly or poke at it to try to wake baby up.  Is that mean?

Sunday, October 6, 2013


And you are a boy!  Just like I've been telling everyone from the week I knew you were coming.  Gosh all that buildup from my last post has me feeling like I need to write something describing my thoughts now that we know you are a he. But I dunno. I guess it's just like I got proof. And so now we continue on with a little more direction on what things to bring home for you.

Today I got you your first book.  It's Olivia Forms a Band.  It's used.  I hope you don't mind. I expect you won't, and you'll probably get a lot of used things if I keep my head about me.  And I also got you your first stuffed animal.  It's a Snoopy.  All proceeds go to children's medical needs and schools, so it's an extra good Snoopy.

So now you have 3 possessions: A book, a Snoopy, and a string of elephants.  I think that's a good start.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Lenny or Lennie

Dear Baby,

Today is the very last day you are an "it" to us. Tomorrow, if all goes right, we find out if you are a he or she. And I am freaking terrified. And I don't know why. I feel like it's going to be the most important day of my life some how. And I don't even think I have a preference! I mean, either way I will love you. And either way your little personality is already there so it's not as if tomorrow's outcome is going to change any fate.

But tomorrow things are to become so certain. I bet part of the reason I'm freaking out is that I've been taking comfort in the "what if's" of not knowing. Like maybe I'm liking this illusion of less pressure while you are still just an idea and not a unique person to me yet. 

I'm worried about what my reaction is going to be. What if, even though I don't have a preference, I'm disappointed? What if I suddenly realize I have a preference?  

Ugh. I'm fully aware that I'm being ridiculous. This all really shouldn't matter. Especially since I'm pretty sure if I think we'd want to raise one of each we'll be covered because our plan is to adopt for round two. What would it matter which gender child is the genetic offspring?  Either way the experience is gonna be awesome and eye opening. 

I'm just an insane control freak, and now I'm gonna go to sleep and have crazy vivid pregnancy dreams about gender results all night long. 

Ps- right now you are kicking me like crazy and it's really cute. Like you're trying to say "Mom! I'm real, damn it! And I'm a _____!!"

Till tomorrow...

Friday, September 27, 2013

I feel sad and lonely tonight.  That's all.

Monday, September 23, 2013

 I promise I will write about something other than baby some day soon.
FYI - if you ever wondered what it feels like to have a baby moving in your belly, I'd say it's kind of like you swallowed a guinea pig that does somersaults. At least these early stages. I can't speak for what this will be like in 3 more months but so far I have a tiny spaz. And this is by far the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.

Things I miss

Laying on my stomach.  So much.  Can't sleep.  

Sunday, September 22, 2013

What exactly is a Huckleberry friend?

We watched Breakfast at Tiffany's for the first time after work on Friday.  That's a good way to end a week, by the way.  Just ordering food for delivery and immediately putting on a movie.  Within no time I had shifted out of work gear which is pretty hard for me to do sometimes.

But I gotta say, while the movie was pretty and all, I found that Holly Golightly character to be just dispicable. I don't care how beautiful she might be. I found her to be gross and totally unlikable. I don't know if she deserved a happy ending. So I don't think I will be watching it again soon. 

But, one good thing that came of it is that I found a song to sing to the baby when it's 3am and I can't think of anything else to sing. I will be prepared. The words won't mean squat to the baby, but that's okay. It won't care. Babies just want you to sing at them sometimes, from what I understand. And this is a nice sleepy song with a melody that's interesting and strange enough that I won't get too tired of it too fast.

Just up to about a minute 20.  After that you'd wake the baby.   So I'd just sing this stretch over and over until I start to go insane, and then I'll switch to some Magnetic Fields song most likely. And now I feel just a little more prepared. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

things I miss

I can't wait to some day drink cup after cup of really good coffee again.  REALLY.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Baby in a box

This is awesome and fascinating.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

wish you were here

Dear baby,

It's 11pm on a Wednesday night. You and I are in a Hampton Inn in Covington Georgia. Business travel. These are the places my job takes us. It's September 11th.  11 years after all that awfulness happened.  I could write about what I was doing 11 years ago when I lived in New York, but that's not what's on my mind tonight. Instead I have a confession to make and it feels terrible.

Fact: As of today, I don't really feel bonded to you yet. I mean I like the idea of you, but that is all you seem to be. Maybe the problem is that I don't feel I've got proof that you're real. I mean, of course I've got proof. I've seen something on a distorted screen at the doctor's office that they say is you.  I've seen your little hands and what they say are your legs. And I have visible proof that you're there now, because we're at a point where complete strangers are asking me how far along I am (no denial here).  But still, I feel like I'm waiting for proof. This could all be some grand illusion.

Maybe it's because the last babies were.

Maybe the first time I feel you move a light will go on for me.  Or maybe it will be when I learn whether you are a he or she.  I've been told that for some people it isn't until much much later that they feel a connection. Maybe it won't be until I hold you in my arms and sniff your little head that you feel real to me.

But as of now, in my head I can't quite wrap my thoughts around the fact that you are a little person. I try to talk to you but it feels silly and it doesn't stick. And as guilty as I feel about it, as of now this pregnancy has just been something that is happening TO me. So far in my head it's all been in terms of me. Me me me. I am barfy. I am getting fat. I don't fit into my clothes. I am gonna be leaving work for a few months.

Some day I will wish that I could take you with me on awful business trips like this. Some day, when I actually know you, when I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love a person, I will feel sad for all these days I spent with you so close to me when I didn't feel anything. And then I will wish to go back in time to right now, when I'm sitting on this bed in a quiet hotel room and straining to tell the difference between you and normal digestive tract things.


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Stupid pregnancy dreams.

 They're always so long and vivid and upsetting.  Not welcome. 

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Achievement unlocked

Swollen feet and kankles. (I have no idea who the heck is gonna be interested in his post but...)  At only 4 months this surprises me. Should it? Maybe it's because I stood for 36 hours on a concrete floor in an un air conditioned factory over the past three days.

The funny thing is, because I normally have very long and spindly feet that never seem to fill out my shoes, and seriously finger-like toes, and skinny ankles that I'm self conscious of, I feel like this swelling is an ok thing.  They actually kind of look like normal people feet for once, save for the fact that my ankles didn't want to bend readily by he end of the day yesterday. It's neat. 

This is all very new and interesting to me.  I'll take he good with the bad.   

Did you guys ever see that funny paparazzi shot of kim kardashian's super swollen pregnant feet in ridiculous cruel shoes?  Hahaha.  Man o man. That was gross. 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

I kind of can't wait for snow and winter hats.  

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

So I'm gonna have a baby in six months and now I have this crazy urge to sign up for business classes and work on my career? Of course.  

Sunday, August 11, 2013

I too can participate in the novelty of cooking outside

in un-baby news, we bought our first grill today!

We started off the day by riding the train to Logan Square for breakfast and the farmer's market with my mom.  Yes, the farmers market is stupid expensive, but I love knowing that everything I'm getting there is going to taste pretty perfect.  Namely the tomatoes.  I would gladly pay $50 for one funny looking farmers market tomato than pay $1 for 50 of those mealy, crappy grocery store tomatoes.  Seriously. Once the season ends it's really hard to go back to mass produced produce.

Anyway, today our haul was a couple big tomatoes, peaches, michigan blueberries, 2 corns and some flowers.  All of these things are bringing me great happiness.

And the corns seemed too exciting to boil, so at 35 & 36 years old, we went to home depot and bought our very first grill. I don't know why it never really occurred to me to get a grill before.  I suppose because we don't eat meat?  Duh.  But I never really stopped to think - You can grill things other than meat.  Duh!

It's a little bitty grill, but it's still a grill and it was still fun to (watch Zach) use. Even in the rain.

This looks like a sad face with big lips:

And although the rain kind of put out the heat before the corn could get toasty, we're still pretty pumped. Today I made a seasoned butter for the corns. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow or Tuesday I'll try those seasoned potatoes wrapped in foil.  I feel like a whole new world could be opening up here.  Please send recipes.  Thx!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Good morning

Zach says he's practicing his animal shapes for the baby. If this was intended to be a frog we're all ready!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Aaand he looks great!

I say he because I am just positive it's a he. I haven't been told or anything but my brain says he. So now that that's out of the way, look!!  Do you see this little hand??  Isn't it crazy?

I totally get that other people's ultrasounds don't look like much, but if it helps this is a front view and that's his little right hand waiving.  The face looks a little alien like, and his profile honestly looks a lot like Beavis at this point, but I have faith that it will all come together and he'll look cute (though probably still with a large head) like his dad as a baby (who also had a large head) when we meet him in February.  

Little fingers!  We made it to 12 weeks!!
Beyond nervous.  

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Maybe that sounds a little negative?  I don't want to come off as negative about this.  I'm not.  Maybe just super guarded.  No.  Definitely super guarded.  I don't know when I'll feel safe.  I assume confidence will come in stages.  Tomorrow morning we have our 12 week ultrasound.  This is the point where, if baby is still okay, we are ushered into the "safer zone." I'm nervous as heck. But I'll breathe a little easier after this milestone. And then I'll wait a few more weeks until I get the little reassurances of feeling him move in my belly, saying "It's ok mom. I'm still here and everything's good."

In the meantime it's probably a good thing that I have a crazy demanding work day.  Really, I shouldn't have stopped to write this.  But sometimes sanity should come first. 

Friday, August 2, 2013

Without ceremony, but not at all unimportant

Oh by the way, I'm pregnant.  I don't know how to announce something like this on a blog. I feel like this is the kind of thing that deserves well thought out and crafted words. But Im kind of out of practice at writing and that task just seems really daunting right now. My thoughts are complex, and at eleven weeks I'm not quite ready to blast it out to the world . But I figure this is an ok enough spot since readership is pretty low. You'd think this is the kind of news I'd want to shout from roof tops, but eh, not yet.  There's a deep fear instilled in me from a previous loss.

Last November we lost twins at 10 weeks. And God if anything deserves to be properly written about it's miscarriage. I felt so alone during that time even as stories of others' losses came out of the woodwork. Things I would've never known if I hadn't been privileged enough to be inducted into this shitty club.

I don't understand why something so incredibly common is such a taboo conversation topic. I felt it every in the reaction of every friend i mentioned it to who'd never had it hit home before (or at least who wasn't aware it ever had). People got extremely uncomfortable and didn't know how to react.  And then, without fail, I felt embarrassed and ashamed for putting them in that situation by bringing it up. Some day I would like to see that change.  It sounds completely cliche but women need to know they aren't alone. They seriously need reassurance that they didn't do anything wrong to cause it to happen. People need to know that it's just something that happens. A lot.  A lot more than you think it does. And by not sharing all of my thoughts and what the experience was like in a timely and honest way I feel like I'm doing women a disservice by swallowing my experience like so many others.  

Maybe I'm still afraid to share all of that because of the deer in headlights reactions I'd gotten used to getting.  At this point who wants to hear about what it's like to admitted to a hospital where they put you under and speed the process along for you?  Who wants to know all the details about how a miscarriage is not (as they depict on television) something that happens in a day, but rather over the course of weeks.  It's a violating, gross and extremely painful process. I certainly don't feel like reliving it today.
But I don't know.  Maybe someday I'll understand why it had to happen. Maybe some day I'll tell the whole story. Today I feel like I just need to keep looking forward, at least treading water, and holding on to hope like a seatback cushion after a plane crash, knowing that I made it through something awful but it's nothing to be ashamed of and that I am about to move forward to other, much much happier times.  It will always have an impact on who I am but it doesn't define me. There's so much more ahead of me.


This is my fifth time on a plane in two weeks.  Flying is so difficult when you're pregnant. At this point it's mostly due to the fact that I've got a nose like a dog.  Only unlike dogs (who from what I can tell usually love disgusting smells), to me, disgusting smells just smell disgusting. Super disgusting.  Vomit inducing disgusting.  And airports and airplanes are chock full of disgusting smells.  From the food courts to the food people ate 4 hours ago, to the laundry detergents they use or don't use, to their hair or their breath or the farts they think you can't smell,  it's just awful. The absolute worst part is when you're sitting on the Tarmac in a plane when they've shut off the circulation.  Why for the love of God do they do that to us?  Just saying.

At least this time I'm flying for fun.  Not for work. We're going to Seattle for the first time.  I'm so excited to see some hills and green stuff and fresh air.   Though I don't know how likely it is, this is what I want to see:

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Friday, April 19, 2013

i love the internet

Because I can spend a Friday night looking at pictures of anything I want.

For example:

And...   drumroll.........


Saturday, April 6, 2013

There's nothing like the diminishing of options to concentrate the mind.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

It's still very cold out

Every year around this time I wonder "when does it get warm again?  I can't remember when it starts to get warm..."

So here's a reminder for me for next year:  It's March 17th and it's still stupid cold out.  It's going to be in the 30s for the rest of the week, and it's probably not going to get springy any time in march.

I am going crazy for need of leaves and green grass.  I saw a picture on line today of my friends in texas at a carnival.  It's already summer there.  Why do I live here again?

Yessir, March in the Midwest pretty much blows.  I need to find a way to keep occupied for another month or so.   And maybe a sun lamp.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

super clean

I just took a 40 minute shower. It was fantastic. I highly recommend it.

I'm pruney.

That's all.

Monday, January 7, 2013


I'm having a terrible time getting myself to sleep these days. So tired but mind won't stop. Worrying. Worrying. Trying to see things in different lights. Looking at them again all over in the same light. Contented, but with what feels like a fragile balance.

That was cryptic sounding, right?

Just need. to. relax.

Ignorance is bliss

I wonder how close I've ever come to swallowing a spider. Really. It'd most likely be in my sleep. Then again, maybe not. I can try to be cool about this but the truth is that if I had a radar that would somehow alert me as to where all spiders are in my proximity at any given time, I'd probably lose my brains. You'd need to medicate me and put me somewhere sterile and safe for a while. And who knows what my re-entry to the real world would be like. Probably pretty shakey I'd imagine. Because now I'd know the truth.

So yeah, if you have a device like that just don't ever let me know.

I'd bet there's a spider under my bed right now. Because its cold out. Spidies ain't stoopid.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Thursday, January 3, 2013


CFL bulbs are getting better. I think. That or I'm getting used to them. They seem softer and warmer.

Either way, it's not a bad thing. I feel good about using them. There was a time they made my skin crawl.

Oh God  wait, I hope it's that they're getting better. I never want fluorescent light to seem normal.


This post is just to show Whisper how you can upload pictures of food to blogger from your phone. This macaroon looks like a tiny hamburger. Though it does not taste like one. Personally, I think macaroons are gross. Even when tiny.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Good morning 2013

I woke up to explosive dog diarrhea on the stairs. Great start! 💩🎉

Can only go up from here, right?