Gosh. That hurts to see pictures of her. I need to keep writing so that I can move that post down the page and not see it every time I come here. I'm in a lot of pain. This is going to take a long time to heal. And I'm dealing with a lot of guilt though I realize it's probably unnecessary.
This is my nightmare: Fannie had severe separation anxiety for as long as we've had her. I worry that by having left her at the hospital for the last four days, we might have made her feel like we had abandoned her. I realize that if we had kept her at home I would be dealing with a different kind of guilt. If I'd not let her stay at the hospital I would've hated myself for not giving her the round the clock care and monitoring that she needed. So really, it was a no-win situation. I would feel guilty no matter what I did. But I still can't seem to shake the thought that during her darkest hours we may have broken her heart by leaving her. If she had passed without us being there, I probably would require mental help right now. I mean, maybe more so than I already do. It worries me so much that I feel like I might get sick.
But I just have to know that guilt is normal. I have to know that everyone goes through this. I need to hang in there and not beat myself up and keep making the right decisions to keep myself healthy.
Things that are making me feel worse today:
- Looking at photos (oddly enough, this made me feel better yesterday).
- Thinking of her last days (if I could erase this from my memory I would, but some images are burned into my mind now).
- Thinking of gathering up her things and letting go of them (even the awful princess costume).
- Throwing out her medicines.
- Thinking she might see these things happening, and think we don't love her anymore.
- Talking to her in my head.
- Writing her name in the tags field of this blog post.
- Accidentally dropping a piece of food on the floor and realizing I have to pick it up.
- Listening to any music. Seriously. Just stop it, world.
Things that are making me feel better today:
+ Talking to PAWS about donating her things to other dogs. They are willing to take them when I'm ready.
+ Cleaning my house. Seriously, I don't know how or why, but doing dishes and laundry are helping me. Not so much washing her blankets, but that had to be done too.
+ Watering my plants.
+ Browsing the animal rescue sites, knowing that there are other animals out there that need us. Dreaming of some day getting to the point where I could help another one. Wondering if that dog is out there already and just waiting for us to heal before presenting himself.
I'm also thinking it might be time to rescue some feeder goldfish again. I think it could be good to have them in the house. Watching them swim is peaceful & therapeutic. Their existence might make our house feel less lonely. And it could be helpful to get into the routine of taking care of them. Yes, I know goldfish die easily, but not so much if you put them in the right environment with the right amount of oxygen, and that is what I'd do.
Also, I should probably get dressed and leave the house.