Oh by the way, I'm pregnant. I don't know how to announce something like this on a blog. I feel like this is the kind of thing that deserves well thought out and crafted words. But Im kind of out of practice at writing and that task just seems really daunting right now. My thoughts are complex, and at eleven weeks I'm not quite ready to blast it out to the world . But I figure this is an ok enough spot since readership is pretty low. You'd think this is the kind of news I'd want to shout from roof tops, but eh, not yet. There's a deep fear instilled in me from a previous loss.
Last November we lost twins at 10 weeks. And God if anything deserves to be properly written about it's miscarriage. I felt so alone during that time even as stories of others' losses came out of the woodwork. Things I would've never known if I hadn't been privileged enough to be inducted into this shitty club.
I don't understand why something so incredibly common is such a taboo conversation topic. I felt it every in the reaction of every friend i mentioned it to who'd never had it hit home before (or at least who wasn't aware it ever had). People got extremely uncomfortable and didn't know how to react. And then, without fail, I felt embarrassed and ashamed for putting them in that situation by bringing it up. Some day I would like to see that change. It sounds completely cliche but women need to know they aren't alone. They seriously need reassurance that they didn't do anything wrong to cause it to happen. People need to know that it's just something that happens. A lot. A lot more than you think it does. And by not sharing all of my thoughts and what the experience was like in a timely and honest way I feel like I'm doing women a disservice by swallowing my experience like so many others.
Maybe I'm still afraid to share all of that because of the deer in headlights reactions I'd gotten used to getting. At this point who wants to hear about what it's like to admitted to a hospital where they put you under and speed the process along for you? Who wants to know all the details about how a miscarriage is not (as they depict on television) something that happens in a day, but rather over the course of weeks. It's a violating, gross and extremely painful process. I certainly don't feel like reliving it today.
But I don't know. Maybe someday I'll understand why it had to happen. Maybe some day I'll tell the whole story. Today I feel like I just need to keep looking forward, at least treading water, and holding on to hope like a seatback cushion after a plane crash, knowing that I made it through something awful but it's nothing to be ashamed of and that I am about to move forward to other, much much happier times. It will always have an impact on who I am but it doesn't define me. There's so much more ahead of me.