Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Lenny or Lennie

Dear Baby,

Today is the very last day you are an "it" to us. Tomorrow, if all goes right, we find out if you are a he or she. And I am freaking terrified. And I don't know why. I feel like it's going to be the most important day of my life some how. And I don't even think I have a preference! I mean, either way I will love you. And either way your little personality is already there so it's not as if tomorrow's outcome is going to change any fate.

But tomorrow things are to become so certain. I bet part of the reason I'm freaking out is that I've been taking comfort in the "what if's" of not knowing. Like maybe I'm liking this illusion of less pressure while you are still just an idea and not a unique person to me yet. 

I'm worried about what my reaction is going to be. What if, even though I don't have a preference, I'm disappointed? What if I suddenly realize I have a preference?  

Ugh. I'm fully aware that I'm being ridiculous. This all really shouldn't matter. Especially since I'm pretty sure if I think we'd want to raise one of each we'll be covered because our plan is to adopt for round two. What would it matter which gender child is the genetic offspring?  Either way the experience is gonna be awesome and eye opening. 

I'm just an insane control freak, and now I'm gonna go to sleep and have crazy vivid pregnancy dreams about gender results all night long. 

Ps- right now you are kicking me like crazy and it's really cute. Like you're trying to say "Mom! I'm real, damn it! And I'm a _____!!"

Till tomorrow...

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