letter to baby

Ok.  Every day is a little different. I'm coming to terms with all this. Feeling more like I'm ready.  I know everything is gonna be okay.  I just wrote a letter to send to baby at his email address.  I've been slacking on that.  I should be sending him some more pictures before it's all out of date.  Anyway, here's what I have to say to baby today. I haven't sent it yet. But I'm not sure why not. I mean my whole objective here is to talk to him like a person and let him see me as a person. Why does that already feel so weird?  I have so much to learn and get used to.

Dear Lenny,

Today is Tuesday February 18, 2014.  Gosh, I've been so wrapped up in my own physical pain and discomfort these last few days (being 9 months preggo is hard) that it hasn't really hit me that you're almost here. Like, you're really happening. And you are a real person. A real person who I am going to be responsible for for the rest of my life. You are gonna have your own feelings, and you'll be able to feel physical pain and discomfort. And you can be put in danger. And it's gonna be up to me to keep you safe and happy for as long as I can.

It freaks me out, buddy. I really am worried about how I'll do. At first I will probably fumble. I'll be kind of a wreck at calming you and meeting your needs. I won't know how to hold you right or how to give you a bath or get your little clothes on. But we'll get over all these initial things. And you won't remember them, so it's kind of okay. I just need to be very sure I keep you from getting hurt. That part will be important.

But then as you get older, and I'm gonna be responsible for keeping your world together. Making sure you get to where you need to be with all the things you need to have with you. And with clean clothes and a full belly. And an understanding about why and where you're going. 

I hope that I can be a good mom. I hope that I can be present for you and listen to you and make sure I try my best to help you feel heard and make sure you understand things.

I hope that I can maintain my own independence at the same time, so that you see me and your daddy as individual people who do things for you not because we have to, but because we want to. Because we love you. 

I hope that you like us. I hope we enjoy each other's company. Because life is so much better when you get along with the people you spend so much time with. I hope we can all see each other as people. Not just the roles we play. I hope we can go do things together and actually have fun.  I hope you're never too embarrassed or ashamed to hang out with us. Because life is so short, baby.  And we waited until later in life to have you, so our time together is really going to be a little limited.  So we'll need to always remember to make the best of it.

And I hope that I am never a burden to you.  Some day when I'm old and unable to take care of myself, I hope that I've managed to make plans so that I can stay somewhere where others can take care of me, and you can live your life without ever having to know what it's like to have to tend to someone who always tended to you.

And I hope that you are a happy person. I know that life is hard when you're unhappy. I hope you find a way to be content and excited about most things. Because that's the best way to live. And some of it really is a choice. It's all in how you look at things. So hopefully I can manage to teach you this as much as possible.

That's all I can think of for now. You can come when ever you're ready now. Your due date starts in 4 hours.  They tell me not to be afraid of labor, so I guess I should tell you not to be afraid as well.  Mommas and babies go through this kind of thing all the time, and there will be people there who's job is to keep the two of us safe. And when you come out I promise to keep things quiet and warm and to hold you as much as possible until you aren't scared. We're in this together.

Also, I can't wait for you to meet your dad. He's really amazing and smart and loving. I feel really good that he is your dad. You're going to have an amazing life under his wing.

We'll see you very very soon,

Love,

Momma