Sunday, February 9, 2014

What a pregnant brain looks like

So baby is maybe a week or so away.  Maybe more.  Maybe less. I haven't been writing a lot but it doesn't mean there's not a lot on my mind.  Here's something I wrote a couple weeks back but never hit publish on.  These days I feel like all I could muster up to write about is how physically uncomfortable I am.  Because I am. Seriously, everything hurts.  From my fingers to my tailbone to my ankles.  A friend said he thinks that mother nature makes us super duper uncomfortable at the end so that we're willing to do anything to get the baby out. And it makes a lot of sense.  Because my fear of labor is kind of being trumped by my desire to make my current pain stop.  

Anyway, if you have wondered what kinds of things go through the head of a first time mom before it all happens, here's what I was thinking a couple weeks ago before I got to be so uncomfortable and was still able to live in my head:

What I'm freaked out about:

The not knowing when this is going to happen is really getting to me.  Along with the not sleeping well.  All the uncertainty and lack of control has got me in a state. I don't know what work projects I should start and what I can promise to anyone.

And then I think about being a mom.  I have such mixed emotions. I don't want a life without children, but I've got all these fears that I'm afraid to admit to too many people.  

Yes I'm worried about pooping during labor. I'm worried about tearing during delivery.  I'm worried about getting stretch marks. All that vain stuff.  But more so....

I'm afraid I won't like him. I've never cared all that much about babies. So why would I like this one? What am I doing? Do I even deserve a baby?  What right have I to a baby when I'm so wishy washy and luke warm about the idea when there are so many women out there who are certain and are desperate for a baby?  (Ok. I am obviously forgetting how I felt when I was going through a miscarriage, and then acupuncture for fertility and all of that.  Obviously.  I know that I do want this but I'm just going a little crazy right now).  I have to just trust that I'll like my own baby.

And yeah I'm afraid my body won't look good after. I mean it was never great. It was pretty good when I was on anti anxiety meds which made me drop weight like crazy as a side effect (Not healthy.  Not cool. I know) but otherwise I'm really pear shaped and any extra weight I carry tends to exacerbate that. Pregnancy has helped balance that with an illusion. I actually feel cuter while pregnant than not. It disguises my disproportion. And I probably won't want to go to the gym after. Because I never did like going all that much before. And now I'll be tired, so I really won't want to go. 

And I'm terrified of always being super tired. And it's inevitable.  But I am miserable when I'm tired. Everything looks so ugly to me when I'm tired. I can't function when tired.  I start to hate everything.  What if I get depressed? What if I get to be terrible at my job?  What if I resent the baby? What if it affects my relationship? What if my depression affects the baby?  Why am I taking this risk??

And then to have to go in and focus on work???  On no sleep???  For a boss who doesn't have kids but does have high standards?? 

And I'm worried about what this change will do to my relationship with Z. I feel like we work so well as a pair. (Actually, lately I feel like sometimes I have been the baby. That's just a side note. It will be weird to shift roles once I'm not so handicapped). What if he starts to feel shut out because I become so focused on tending to baby that he needs to look elsewhere for love and I don't see it?

And I'm worried about breast feeding. To be totally honest, the concept already grosses me out. I assume I'll get over this. I'll need to.  Because I really want to to do everything I can to help Lenny to not have the food allergies that I have, and that so many other kids these days have.  But then I keep reading that it's painful as hell. How do you keep going when your nipples are cracked and bleeding? This sounds terrible. Just insane. Totally insane.

I'm worried about leaving him at daycare. What if they are not good to him?  What if they hurt him? Or neglect him?  What if he's sick all the time? 

I'm worried about living on less money. Day care is SO expensive.  It's more than our mortgage.

I'm worried that he won't like me.
I'm worried that he'll think the quiet life we lead is boring.

And on and on and on....

I need to come back and read this in a years' time with some commentary on how things actually turned out and how many of these fears were never realized.  Or were.  Ugh.

1 comment:

  1. I wonder how you feel about breast feeding now? The concept grosses me out too!